Can I talk about relationships here, with you?
This last week has brought some of my most vital relationships under the microscope. I lost a couple, I found a new level of understanding on a couple and one is still under question. A week of absolute upheaval and pure discomfort. (Interesting that it should all happen at once!)
Relationships involve interaction and an investment of time, connection, understanding, communication, communication, oh, communication and one other vital ingredient – vulnerability.
Vulnerability has been a troubling thing for me to grasp onto. At first I thought it meant simply being open and sharing your feelings. But it doesn’t stop there. There’s a dance which needs to take place. It means really being open to explore, in conjunction with the other, an alternative to the status quo. That’s where the real discomfort lies. There’s a balance between getting your own needs met as well as getting those needs of your partner/friend/family/lover met.
But what happens if we run away from that dance? What happens if we share our feelings and then shut down? Or allow the other to share their feelings and we ourselves focus on placating them without expressing our own? Worse still, what happens when the sharing of feelings and emotions genuinely hurts, saddens, angers or demoralises the other person? Even worse than that, what happens if the dance ends up being two different genres between the same people? What is the solution then?
See, tricky business this vulnerability dance.
Unfortunately I don’t have all the answers. And like any human, I am still feeling my way into being brilliant.
Here’s some things I’ve learned – both from a social scientific perspective and from just plain old experience;
- Our values all differ – we cannot expect others to live by our values just as they cannot expect us to live by theirs
- If our values do in fact meet – perhaps we have different rules around them? Explore that
- Be open to exploring through the discomfort. Relationships end because people are afraid to go there. GO THERE
- Leave your anger at the door. Approach with kindness
- When all is said and done and you’ve tried your absolute darndest, do not flog a dead horse. For the love of all things holy – life is too short. Cut the sh*t and get out. There’ll be lessons for the both of you… you may need distance and time to get them
- Once you’ve learned the lessons, avoid replicating them in your next relationships. If you do, rinse and repeat (and forgive yourself – no one’s perfect)
- Finally, remember, everyone’s just doing the best they can
Some great reminders there for me and hopefully something in there for you too.
What advice do you have to give for being vulnerable in relationships? Share with our little community in the comments below.
With love
Lynda
PS. If you like what I have to say or think someone else could benefit from this humble little blurb, feel free to ‘like it’ or ‘share it’.
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