Are you a ‘rescuer’?
Rescuers are those who want to see people succeed, so they do everything in their own power to help them, sometimes at the expense of themselves.
Rescuer behaviour is well intended. Rescuers see someone in trouble and, well, come to their rescue. They help. They placate. They sometimes (oftentimes) take over to save others the trouble of doing it themselves.
They think this taking over, placating and helping is doing reeeaaalllll good. But is it?
Is it a completely selfless act? It’s actually not. Rescuers, though well intended, are actually taking the focus off themselves. So whilst they’re exerting themselves, looking good doing the good, they’re just avoiding the obvious thorn – perhaps they’ve got stuff going on that they don’t want to highlight or they don’t value themselves enough to give to themselves first.
The other thing they don’t value is the other person. Think about it. They aren’t trusting this person enough to empower themselves. They don’t believe they’ve got the resources, so they therefore provide them. But what does this do for the other person (the ‘victim’)? It keeps them a victim. They are not able to build the defence mechanisms to forge forward on their own. They’re destined to be reliant on the rescuer for their needs. And this makes the rescuer feel good – after all, they’re wanted.
The rescuer and the victim fit perfectly together. They match. They’re like each other’s habits.
As a result, until they break the habit, rescuers will keep attracting those who ‘need’ them. They will keep attracting the victims who refuse to enable themselves. But they only refuse if they’re allowed.
I used to be a rescuer.
And I used to attract the victim.
And I got tired. Really tired.
And I could never figure out how I had all these depressed, lowly people around who wanted to stay in the same place and tell the same story.
But I allowed those stories.
Until I didn’t anymore. Enough was enough. It was time to raise the bar.
Raise your own self- worth and the self- worth of those around you rises.
So how do you do that?
Be honest
Be assertive
Stand back
Whenever you have a feeling, tell the person. If you see a pattern of behaviour forming, it must be aired. Remember, you’re not doing them any favours by allowing them to stay stuck.
Ensure your needs are also being acknowledged. Share more of yourself. This is assertion; a good balance of flow and reciprocity between their needs and yours.
Finally, when you feel the need to suggest what it is that they have to do or worse still, you decide you’re going to be the one to do it, stand back. Stop. Don’t do it! Find it in your heart to believe that they are more than capable… because they are.
How do you keep rescuer behaviour at bay? Share with us in the comments below!
With love
Lynda
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